What Is He Thinking?

He keeps shutting down or walking away when we argue.

If you’re anything like me, there are very few things worse than arguing with your husband.  It often seems like everything is going along really well and then “BAM” all of a sudden you’re in the middle of a disagreement.  Not to mention that what you are fighting about is often pretty trivial and gets blown out of proportion by poor responses and heated emotions.

What can really make everything feel even worse is when your husband, who is generally committed and loving, either stops responding or gets up and walks away, effectively putting an end to any further discussion. Understandably, you can end up feeling more hurt, rejected or unloved.  

He’s Not Actually Trying To Hurt You

Would it surprise you to hear that this response is actually extremely normal for men?  And it generally has nothing to do with him wanting to hurt you.  In fact, in most cases, it is actually the opposite. He isn’t sure what he is feeling or thinking and he doesn’t want to do or say anything to make things escalate.

You see, we women are often very good with words, and emotion helps us articulate our feelings even better. For many of us talking to someone helps us to work through the problem easier. As we frequently cover numerous possible outcomes or solutions in our processing during the discussion this allows us to clarify which one looks best.

However, this approach is very confusing and difficult for many men, especially on the spot and/or without adequate preparation. Most men need time to think through their options and feelings. To weigh up the pros and cons, allowing them to come up with a good solution.  This process happens best inside their heads, while they are alone, and the environment is quiet. It certainly doesn’t work well with a woman close by regularly asking more questions, adding further emotions or thoughts to an already overwhelmed man.

A Bit of Time Is Often Best

In my marriage, Mike isn’t one that walks away often, but he frequently shuts down and stops responding to my questions.  He doesn’t give proper, in-depth answers to the things I am asking, and expressing his feelings about the situation is often limited, to say the least.  

We have, however, found that when we are able to take a moment to step back from the emotions of the topic we are in disagreement about, and I can ask “do you need some time to think about this?” The answer is generally a relieved yes, and this time allows Mike the opportunity to figure out what he is thinking and feeling.

One important point to this working well is making sure a suitable time frame is set.  If it is a smaller issue, or one that needs to be dealt with before we can move forward, then often I’ll just go out of the room for 30 minutes or so.  If it is a larger issue then we will set a date in the future, maybe a week out, so he can think and pray through his thoughts and feelings before coming back to me with a response.  This approach is also very helpful for defusing the initial emotion, and our next discussion is often quick, gentle and relatively pain-free.

Although this works for us, you may find that your man needs longer than an hour or two to process, and you may have to wait until the next day to continue the discussion.  If this is the case, then I absolutely encourage you to give him the space, if possible, as you will likely get a better and more permanent solution to the issue for your wait.  You may also find other ideas for conflict resolution tips that work for you in my blog Allies or Enemies? Conflict Resolution Tips.

A Great Resource

Another very helpful resource which can assist a husband who finds it hard to articulate his emotions are the Soul Tour Feelings and Needs cards. You’ll be surprised just how many specific feelings there actually are. So going through these and picking out two emotions and two feelings each and then discussing your reasoning behind them can make the process much easier and very insightful.

Learning to argue well is something that you will probably be working on for the rest of your married life.  But taking the time to talk through how you can make little improvements that work for you will make the whole experience less difficult.