The Truth Of Trust
The Truth of Trust
The saying “trust takes years to build, but seconds to break” is one that resonates with many of us. We have all been victims of broken trust at some point in our lives. In my experience, though this statement isn’t the complete story. You see everyone is trustworthy in some area/s of their life, but no person is trustworthy in all. So if we are to get through life without a trail of broken and hurting relationships we need to learn how to rebuild after trust is broken, and how to set the right expectations of people in the first place.
Mike and I had a recurring tension, he consistently left the front door unlocked and I kept finding it late at night or the next morning. As a woman this was no trivial matter, my safety felt in jeopardy and the fact that he would so flippantly brush it off felt to me like he didn’t care if something happened to me. This escalated when we had a child and her safety was also affected. So we would bicker about it a lot. He would promise to do better but kept absentmindedly making the mistake. I would keep finding it and the feeling that I couldn’t trust him with our safety would return. The impact of it was negatively affecting our relationship.
The Bible calls this type of thing the “little foxes that can spoil the vine” (Solomon 2:15). If left these small repetitive issues can cause big problems and resentment in a marriage, or other important relationships, especially if the issue is triggering an underlying big emotion for one or both parties.
Adjusting Expectations
When someone breaks your trust it can feel like they are now no longer trustworthy at all. However, in reality, that person can still be trusted, but maybe not in the area of their offending. It is then our job to adjust our expectations.
Let’s say you have a friend who is constantly bad with time, always late to events, and missing appointments. You then ask them to take you to the airport. It is highly likely you are setting them up to fail and in turn, affect your relationship negatively. They may be untrustworthy when it comes to time, but they can still be a great friend, as long as we adjusted our expectations correctly.
In Mike and my issue, we had another talk about how I felt and my need to feel safe, we agreed that he wouldn’t take it personally if I checked the doors after he’d been through them. I still need to regularly remind myself that I am the details person in our relationship and that he does care about me and our daughter deeply. So if my safety feels in jeopardy I need to take the responsibility to lock up each night.
Trust is based on predictability so consistency is vital if trust is to be rebuilt.
Imputing Boundaries
However, trust can also be broken in ways that can feel too insurmountable to move past, especially if the offense is repeated. Finding your spouse in an affair or involved in gambling or pornography can cause massive hurt and seriously broken trust. You will have to make this decision for yourself, but just because someone has stuffed up in a big way doesn’t automatically mean that a relationship needs to be over. Trust can be rebuilt over time if both parties are committed and good support is available. A key starting point in this is for some good boundaries to be put in place.
When deciding on boundaries it is important that both parties are on board. There is no point in setting a boundary if the offender isn’t really willing to make it happen, it will only be more detrimental to trust as it will likely be broken. Boundaries must also be specific. Both parties must be very clear about where the line is so everyone knows when it has been crossed.
Rebuilding Broken Trust
Then, if we can focus on the areas that the person is trustworthy in and put some wise boundaries and processes in place for the areas they struggle in, our perspective on the relationship can change.
When trying to rebuild trust, whether for small or big offenses, there are three things that Belinda Stott, respected relationship counselor, says are important:
- The aggrieved person needs to be specific about where the trust has been broken.
- They then need to think about three changes the offender needs to make to earn the other’s trust.
- The offender needs to be committed to following through with what has been asked of them.
Trust is based on predictability so consistency is vital if trust is to be rebuilt.
Broken trust can significantly damage a relationship, even if the offense is relevantly minor. It can be incredibly painful to live with and hard to move on from. If you have experienced broken trust in your relationship and are struggling to heal, please reach out to a qualified counselor. There is no shame in needing help, in fact, this is actually a sign of great strength. You may also find my post on Hope in a Trial helpful.
