The Positivity Posture

For some people positivity is a gift. These people express words of affirmation exceedingly well and their outlook on life focuses on the good things. I am a strong choleric personality with a bent towards strategy, an ability to identify issues and then find ways to move forward. This means that positivity and affirmations are definitely something I need to work on. That's not to say I am always negative either, but critiquing does come naturally, much to my husband's dismay.

About 6 months ago I was having a D & M (one of my favourite things to do) with my very wise Dad. After making a comment about how Mike was responding to an issue, he noted, “where did you pick up that it is a wife's right to correct her husband and vise versa?” This was a question I didn’t have an answer for. But I realised that it was an assumption that I held. It seemed that poor Mike was having to live through my regular critiquing sessions. Then, when he repeated the perceived transgression I was left feeling more annoyed and disappointed.

My Dad reminded me that it is impossible to change someone unless they: first, recognise the issue as a problem; second, want to change; and most importantly, are willing to put in the effort to change. Long-term change generally requires some kind of personal revelation and enough discomfort from the “pain” the issue causes. So while Mike may have been open to hearing my concerns, my presentation of an issue was doing very little except providing a negative experience for both of us and adding tension to our relationship.

Positive Perspective

The Gottman Institute has done a considerable amount of research on couples over the course of 40 years, and their findings are fascinating. Scientists at the Institute have tested and measured everything about how people interact and what characteristics can be seen in healthy, happy relationships.

They have discovered that people remember a negative comment in a much stronger way than a positive one. It was also found that healthy relationships have a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every one negative.

Using this research they came up with The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. One of these is Positive Perspective. People who display this in their relationship often give specific and regular messages of appreciation. They recognise they can only change their own response and therefore focus on positives, rather than negatives, in their relationship.

Thankfully, I am very blessed that my marriage is full of so many positive experiences, and that Mike is a dedicated and attentive husband. So, while I may see areas for improvement, there is also so much good.

After my conversation with my father, I spoke to Mike about my revelation and apologised for focusing so much on the negative. Since then, I have made a conscious and verbal commitment to work hard on leaving the perceived areas of improvement alone. It’s been really hard at times and I am certainly not there yet, but Mike says he has noticed a drop in how often he feels critiqued. Surprisingly, now when I look at our relationship I see that my husband is working on things, even without my words of “advice”.

What Are You Saying?

The Bible tells us again and again that our words have power, both positive and negative, “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” (Proverbs 16:24)

In my marriage I have found that both the words I say to myself and those I speak out really matter. When I choose to focus on the things that annoy me, or times that I’ve been hurt in my relationship, rather than focusing on “whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable” (Philippians 4:8), the way we relate generally goes downhill, and my feelings get worse.

So, to avoid focusing on the negatives and critiquing my husband, I am making a conscious effort in thinking about the good. When I am driving in the car I often make a point of thanking God for the great things about Mike. If I notice he has done something that makes me happy, I make an effort to tell him. If he isn’t around I will say out loud, “gosh, he is an awesome husband!” or “man, I am so blessed to have found him!” If we are apart, and I am annoyed about something, I give myself a pep talk (generally out loud) and remind my heart of the positives and the areas we have seen growth and progress in.

I truly believe that this decision to focus on and affirm the positive things in my man sets the tone for our relationship and, as time goes on, it is forming a habit.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

While I am choosing to avoid critiquing Mike about the areas I want him to improve on, I do believe there are things we struggle with, or times when we hurt each other, which we do need to talk about. However, I am learning that if I want a positive outcome, it is extremely important that this is done in a loving and, most of all, RESPECTFUL way.

The Bible encourages wives to respect their husbands. Ephesians 5:33 says,

“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Inspired by this verse, Emerson Eggerichs has written a number of very well-known books around the concept Love & Respect. In these books, Eggerichs talks about a man's deep need to be respected and a woman's immense desire to feel loved. When a man feels disrespected by his wife he will generally respond in an unloving way. This is likely to promote a disrespectful response from his wife. Unless one or both parties choose to respond in a positive way, they will likely find themselves on “The Crazy Cycle”, as they continue to respond in a way that is counter to their partner’s greatest need.

Understanding this concept is helping me to alter the way I choose to approach difficult subjects with Mike. When I realise that I am entering into a potentially “touchy” subject area, I am working very hard on making an extra effort to be respectful. Firstly, in my initial presentation but also in the way I respond if his reply to my point is not overly loving. When I am respectful Mike is much more likely to hear and understand my concerns and then make a more diligent effort to change.

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The Positivity Posture