Suicide – My Story of Hope

Suicide - My Story of Hope

This is not a part of my story that I have shared often. This is not because I am ashamed that I struggled, as I believe struggles can make us stronger if we let them, but because my life is so different now. That part of my life feels like a time and experience that happened to someone else.

However, I feel prompted to share this given the recent, horrifying run of suicides in our nation, and our world.   

My prayer is that my story gives someone who reads it HOPE! A hope that although life may feel hopeless, it absolutely doesn’t need to end at that point. A hope that there is so much more ahead, so much good to live for.

My Time In The Pit

When I was 16 I got to a very low point in my life and I guess I couldn’t see a way out. I know some may say, “what troubles could a sixteen-year-old really have?”, but your perception is your reality.  So after experiencing high school bullying, difficulty finding friends, issues with how I looked, and not to mention loads of raging hormones, life felt without hope.

I was lonely, depressed with my lot, and I was believing a lie - that I was unlovable and undesirable. Despite having loving parents, family, friends and a faith, I came to a point where I just didn’t feel like I wanted to live anymore. I thought the world would be better off without me.

One day a friend canceled a Saturday hang out with me.  A minor thing, but for me, this felt like a significant confirmation of what I believed about myself- I wasn’t worth the effort, I wasn’t loveable.  So I decided that I’d had enough, I couldn’t go on any longer. That afternoon I scoured the bathroom cupboard for all the painkillers I could find in our house.

Thankfully, within a short time, I somewhat came to my senses and realised what I had done.  I rung a mentor I was seeing who in turn rung my poor, frantic mum. With my two younger sisters in tow, I was quickly driven to the hospital where I had my stomach “pumped”.  Not a pleasant experience at all!

The Painful Result

For me, this attempt was both an act of desperation, as I sat in my pit of despair,  but probably also a cry for help. I was in pain and didn’t know any other way out but to stop feeling.

My decision though was a selfish one,  I was thinking only about my pain, and not about how my actions would affect others.  It could have had a dreadful ending, but I am so thankful that it didn’t! However, the result was still one that affected not just me, but my parents, sisters, and mentor significantly - unintentionally I hurt them and caused a lot of confusion, pain and stress.

Joy Comes In The Morning

But the point of this post is hope. Hope of a future, the hope of a tomorrow, hope of seeing dreams fulfilled.  

18 years later I look back on that confused and hurting teenage girl and wish I could show her the future! How truly amazing life is! Yes, it hasn’t all been easy, and some of it has sucked a lot! But I have never once regretted making that phone call.  

I now know that my life matters! It always did! I have people who love me deeply, and so did she. I have purpose and meaning and hope for a bright future, and so did she!

I am eternally grateful that a still small voice brought me back to my senses that day.  I would have missed out on so much good! All the amazing things I’ve done; places I’ve been; people I've met; opportunities I have had; the love I have given and received.

Choose Hope!

So if you are struggling, and life doesn’t seem worth living, can I encourage you?

Beyond the fog, the pain and despair there is something better. Don’t give up, keep fighting, seek help and hold onto the hope that life can get better.

You are valuable, worthwhile, and loveable.  Your life is worth living. You absolutely would be missed and lots of people would be impacted negatively if you chose to take the dark path.

So instead, choose life! Choose hope! It will not disappoint.