Becoming a Student of Your Spouse

What does this actually mean? And 6 practical steps to achieve this.

No matter how old we get, we never stop learning.  The world we live in is changing rapidly and we are forced to continually learn new skills and adapt to our surroundings.  Meeting new people also requires us to learn how best to read them and interact with them. If we want to thrive in life we need to be intentional about this learning. This includes regularly revising the understanding we take for granted and moving forward with a fresh outlook.

When you first met your spouse there was likely an initial phase that included many hours of talking, asking questions and getting to know each other.  However, it is very common that as time goes on we get caught up in life and forget that we also need to keep learning about them. Our husband or wife is our most important earthly relationship, and this unique and confusing person is not the same person we married, and will be someone quite different in another 5, 10 or 20 years time.  Therefore, one of our key roles is to become a ‘student of our spouse’.

What the Research Says

You have probably heard the adage “women marry men hoping they will change; men marry women hoping that they won’t.”  The reality is that all of us are constantly changing, although not always in the ways our spouses would like.

So how do we keep up with an ever-changing life partner?

The Gottman Institute has studied couple relationships for over 40 years.  They have observed that couples who are well connected and understand each other have made learning about each other a priority in their relationships.

These couples have a genuine interest in knowing the intimate details of each other’s worlds and regularly update their knowledge. This is known as ‘enhancing ones love map’. They ask questions about their spouse’s interests, thoughts and feelings and do their best to remember the response, and then make any necessary adjustments.  They also place significant importance on looking for opportunities to increase fondness and admiration between each other, finding ways of interacting that speak specifically to the other person's love tank.

Going Deeper

While keeping up-to-date on surface information is important, there is so much more to our spouse.  We need to be learning about their habits, their communication styles, and areas that make them sad or especially passionate or angry.  It is also helpful to work on identifying our partner’s areas of personal struggle. This understanding can certainly benefit our relationship if we are able to work out how to help, encourage or up lift them in times of need.   

For Mike and I, this learning has been vital. Through my growing self-awareness, and because of Mike’s desire to understand me better, we have discovered that if something negative happens my natural tendency is to put myself down.  When Mike recognises that I may read a situation as a poor reflection on myself he will make sure that he says something positive and affirming about me. He is also learning to move me away from my natural response of self deprecation, before trying to help me remediate or process an issue.  

Key Steps to Becoming a Student

If you are anything like me, it’s all very good to be told I can make some changes.  But understanding HOW to change is the main issue. So, how do we step into the role of becoming a student of our spouse.

1. Make it a Priority

If you want to do anything in life well, you need to prioritise it.  Learning about your spouse needs to become something you are intentional about.  

Philippines 2:3 - 4  says "Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.”

Keeping our spouse in the number two position in our lives, under God, will help us see them as a priority. If we can do this, understanding their feelings and emotions will become increasingly more important than understanding our own.

2. Take Notes

If you’re not a details person, the idea of having to learn and remember the intimate and ever changing details of your partner might sound like your worst nightmare.  But, if you see it as a priority then it may be that you need some strategies to help you remember - perhaps you may actually need to take notes. Your spouse will certainly be impressed and feel loved if you remember a specific food or drink they like, their favorite movie or band, or a way they like to be touched.

3. Ask Questions

When your partner starts talking about the latest computer game they are playing, a new person they have met, the basketball game they just played or their day at work, don’t automatically zone out. These things are important to them, and therefore need to be important to you.  So it is a good idea to practice your listening skills and look for opportunities to ask questions. If you need clarification on something to help you understand, then ask. Intentional listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give our partners.

4. Make time to study

It is very easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow of life, so if we want to make learning about our spouse a priority we will need to make time for it.  One of the best ways to make time for learning is through regular date nights. Many people find that having some pre-organised questions (there are lots of helpful suggestions available online) can give you plenty to talk about over dinner. Another great way, especially if you learn better in small bites, is to set aside time each day to spend together, just the two of you.  Twenty minutes of quality time listening to each other will help keep the intimacy and learning alive.

5. Take the Test

Students regularly take tests to see how they are progressing with their learning and understanding. As a student of your spouse, make sure you find opportunities to test yourself.  Make them their favorite drink, buy them something special, or give them a massage. But remember, the idea of a test is to get feedback, so being open to positive criticism is important.  

6. Never Stop Learning  

As a husband or wife, school is always in session. Make the effort to keep learning.   Look for ways to learn more about each other. Two great online tests that Mike and I have done which have helped us understand each other better are: The 5 Love Languages and Gallup Strengthsfinder. Reading books about marriage or listening to podcasts can also help you learn more about the opposite sex, and therefore, understand your spouse better.

Having a great marriage takes work. Making a habit early on of regularly updating your knowledge about your partner will absolutely pay dividends.  And remember, your spouse is learning about you too, and they won’t always get it right. To make life easier for them, we can set them up to win! Help them out by being open and honest, and creating environments and opportunities for them to learn and get to know you better.