Sorry – a not so simple word
Sorry – a not-so-simple word
If you are anything like Mike and I then you have probably found yourself in the middle of a fight, or ten, and you aren’t really sure how you got there. All of a sudden one seemingly harmless comment or observation blew up in your face and now you are knee-deep in a big pile of angst, hurt, and aggression. But, now that you are here you have to find a way to wade your way through it, ideally without too much fallout.
Here enters one of my husband’s favourite words – Sorry. They say it is one of the hardest words to say. However, in our house, Mike finds this word pretty easy, while I am a total holdout, only saying it right at the last minute. This difference in approach has contributed to many extended disagreements. My complaint is that Mike says sorry way too quickly before he even really knows what he should be sorry for, and his complaint is that I won’t say sorry for my part earlier in the piece, to give him a sense that I have taken some ownership.
A Significant Discovery
Recently we have been working through a very helpful book – Fight Fair! Winning at conflict without losing at love, and we would certainly recommend it! As part of one of the discussion sessions this ongoing tension about how we approach “sorry” came up. After wading our way through some challenging discussions we eventually made quite a significant discovery.
All these years I had seen Mike’s quick “sorry” as a bit of a cop-out, a way of trying to shut the issue down and to be fair sometimes it might have been that. However, we discovered that the largest majority of the time what Mike, the man of few words, was really trying to say was “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His frustration with me was that my significant delay in apologising came across like I didn’t care that I had hurt him and he would get stuck on this point. Obviously, this was not my heart at all.
So How Do You Say Sorry?
This type of disconnect is not uncommon in marriages and can cause a lot of pain as couples miss each other in their attempts to bring restitution.
Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned author of The Five Languages has also written a book “The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships”, which includes an online test. The book details the five ways people are typically able to hear and receive an apology. Whether it be through expressed regret, the need for someone to accept responsibility, an attempt made at restitution, the need to hear genuine repentance, or a request for forgiveness.
Having a grasp of the five languages of apology and what is top for you and your spouse can be very helpful for understanding each other better and it will give you a way to tailor your words so they are heard as you intend them – now doesn’t that sound ideal.
Taking Steps Forward
So, after this discovery, I am now working on giving an early specific apology for hurting him, accepting my part in his feelings of pain. Then once we have worked through the issue to a suitable conclusion I can give my 11th-hour apology that details what I am willing to accept responsibility for and what I am going to work on. While Mike is working on clarifying his early apology so I can hear his heart better, and then also giving a specific apology later on so that I know he has accepted responsibility and is taking steps towards restitution.
We recognise this will not be a perfect formula, and sometimes we will still get it wrong. But understanding each other better and having a plan in place helps us to make wiser responses when the next tension point arises and, hopefully, over time we can learn to work through the argument quicker and with less fallout!
Discussions about conflict topics can be so difficult to have! Who really likes fighting?! But not clearing the decks regularly or working on how you fight will cause greater pain in the long run. So what uncomfortable topic might you need to discuss with your spouse? When could you find the time to fit this in? Ideally when you are calm and able to start the discussion gently.
