How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

A question asked by pretty much every engaged and married couple. However, it is likely that the expectations of either partner on the frequency they will be having sex are quite different.

Before they get married many couples have visions of making passionate love to each other every night. They may also expect that every night is going to be exceptional!  But if you skip forward a few years into a marriage, and maybe add a child or two, the desire for sex has often greatly diminished, especially for a spouse with a lower desire.

I remember a couple of months into my marriage asking Dr. Google what the answer to this question was.  And the answers were varied, to say the least!

But after reading a number of books and listening to lots of podcasts on the subject my conclusion is:

The frequency with which a married couple should ideally have sex is different for every couple and is likely to change over the seasons of life.  

However, before any of those lower desire spouses set a marriage goal of making love only on birthdays and anniversaries, I believe that there are some important things to consider when making decisions on frequency.

It needs to be a mutual decision

When deciding how often you are going to have sex as a couple one of the most important things to note is that any decision on frequency needs to be one agreed to by both parties.  This decision is one best made out of sacrificial love for your spouse and a desire to meet their needs - read more about this in “What Is He Thinking - Sex”. But to be able to meet each other’s needs well, this must become a regular conversation in our marriages.

Set your goal, and minimum.

A sexless marriage is defined by experts as one where a couple has sex less than 10 times a year.  This means that you can have a sexless marriage while still actually having sex! So when deciding what your ideal goal and minimum frequency will be it is important to consider that good sex requires a type of fitness. You can think of it like this, if you want to be a great runner then training once a month isn’t going to cut it, you need to be training regularly. Likewise, if you want a great sex life, one in which you feel connected to your spouse and are seeing improvement in your experience, then frequency is important.

Scheduling sex can still be romantic.

I know the movies always show couples passionately involved in spontaneous lovemaking, with mind-blowing results.  But, in the real world, if you are waiting for the stars to align so both of you are feeling the same way, you will probably be waiting a long time!  So, if you have decided together that regular sex is important for you as a couple, then some amount of planning is your best option.

While taking into account your agreed minimum and goal, work out which nights in a week are likely to work best for both of you. If you know you have an especially long day coming up, or a particularly stressful event, then that night is probably not going to work well.  

After some time of following this idea, Mike and I now have “regular nights”. However, we generally still have a quick chat each week to plan what nights work best, given what we have on that week.  We often try to have a couple of options available, so if one falls through we can move to the next day. We find that by having open dialogue the expectations are clear and neither person has to wonder how long they will have to wait.  This removes the stress of trying to figure it out by ourselves and allows us to just enjoy the excitement of next being with each other. It also gives us the opportunity to focus on being more intentional about romance.

The Intimacy Lifestyle

I heard about the Intimacy Lifestyle on an excellent Christian Podcast called One Extraordinary Marriage.  We haven’t done this personally, but it has been very helpful for a number of our friends who like the idea of some structure, but also want to feel like there is spontaneity.

The Intimacy Lifestyle is when you split your weeks into 3 parts, based on your agreed goal.  For example, if you decided that you wanted to have sex 2-3 times a week you could break the week up like so. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday are her days to initiate intimacy.  Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are his days. And Saturday is a bonus day - if you’re both feeling it then go for it, and if not, then there is always next week. The spouse whose responsibility it is to initiate can then choose when and how they would like to be intimate.

Obviously, this Lifestyle takes a certain kind of respect for, and understanding of, your spouse.  If they have had a rubbish day at work, or are unwell, then the initiating spouse should respect this and alter their plans.

Rating how you are feeling.

Whether you choose the Intimacy Lifestyle, decide to schedule sex days, or a mixture of the two, there may come a time when one of you wants to make love out of the “normal” routine.  

After reading A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray, I am very passionate about the importance of creating an environment in your marriage where your spouse doesn’t need to fear getting rejected by a “NO”.  So setting up a rating system in your marriage can be helpful.

Now I am certainly not talking about rating your sexual encounters.  But instead, rating how “interested” you are in the idea of sex between 1-9.  If you say “I’m open to it but I’m only about a 4”, then your partner knows where you stand. They know that they need to work a bit longer on foreplay to get you in the mood.  It is then their choice if they want to pursue it and put the effort in, or wait until another time. And can I just say, you will be surprised how, with a bit of effort, a 4 can become a comfortable and enjoyable 7! And a 7 is nothing to scoff at!

I truly believe that regular times of intimacy are important for every married couple.  However, what that looks like and how often that actually happens is different. As a husband and wife we need to be constantly working on our openness in discussing our sexual intimacy with each other, and looking for ways we can improve those conversations.  Making sexual intimacy a priority in our marriage will help improve our feelings of connectedness as a couple and provide an environment where selfless love can flourish.