Debunking Common Marriage Myths

We all have assumptions and beliefs that we’ve picked up about what a marriage should look like, and about how our spouse is supposed to act.  Some of these will be correct and helpful. However, others can be completely, or at least partially, incorrect. Often they are common and widely accepted myths that we have heard and then believed.   

Mark Twain once said, “It’s not the things you don’t know that will hurt you; it’s the things you know for sure that just ain’t so!”

Over the coming months, join us as we explore and debunk some of the more common myths about marriage.

Marriage Myth Number 1: I Can Change My Spouse

Soon after getting married it is common to come to a very clear realisation of just how flawed your new spouse really is.  Living with someone will do that for you. Maybe they leave the bathroom towels on the floor, or their dirty laundry always ends up in the vicinity of the washing basket but never actually in it.  Maybe they snore, stack the dishwasher the wrong way or eat with their mouth open. Whatever it is, once that initial euphoria wears off, the little things that once seemed cute can really begin to irritate you.

And it’s not just the little things, there is often big stuff too.  You will likely discover that you think about something very important in a completely different way. You could also be struggling because they have stopped showing as much affection in the way that is most meaningful to you.  More seriously, they could be drinking too much, flirting with the opposite sex when out, or have a bad temper that sometimes scares you. Previously you may have looked at these areas through rose-tinted glasses, or perhaps you thought - “I can deal with that, give me some time and I’m sure my love and direction will make them change.”

And that friends, is where so many of us went wrong!

CRITICISM ISN’T THE ANSWER

We now discover that no matter how much we winge, convince, motivate or push we actually have no control over whether or not our spouses actually change.  That decision is theirs, and theirs alone.

That doesn’t mean someone can’t change, but they aren’t going to change just because you love them well, or because you have a convincing argument.  For your spouse to change they have to first recognise for themselves that something needs to change; then they need be willing to put in the effort to do so, and finally, they actually have to do it.

If, instead, your response is to regularly criticise them this can actually make things much worse and put our marriage on the road to crisis.  The Gottman Institute has identified criticism as one of what they call, “The 4 Horsemen of The Apocalypse”, along with Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.  When regularly present, or found in conjunction with one or more of the other 3 Horsemen, this signals that a marriage is in serious trouble. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don't use them nearly as often and do more to repair them when they are used.

So what can we do if we can't change our spouse?

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU

Obviously, if the issue is serious then more drastic actions need to be taken, such as counseling or mentor support.  However, if your areas of significant frustration are relatively minor, then one way to help you reassess them is to catalog your own bad habits.  You may soon realise just how good your spouse is doing with putting up with your own idiosyncrasies without much fuss. Focusing on all of their good habits and strong points, and regularly reminding yourself of these is also helpful.  I talk more about this idea in "The Positivity Posture"

Praying regularly for your partner is a good habit to get into.  Regularly laying your areas of struggle at God’s feet takes away some of the intensity of our feelings.  But it is important to remember, that sometimes we actually need to do some changing ourselves, and God is more than capable of helping us in this.

Ultimately, we only have the power to change ourselves.  We have the ability to adjust how we think about things, how we act and how we respond. We may find altering our thoughts and behaviour has a positive effect on our spouse, but if not it will absolutely change us for the better.