What is your marriage vision?

When I was growing up my parents were involved in mentoring and encouraging couples in their marriages and parenting. This meant they often had plenty of ideas to try out on our family. I remember when I was about 10, Dad decided our family needed a mission statement and a vision. Together we spent a number of evenings talking through what we wanted our family to look and act like. It was the mid-nineties, so Dad had our statement typed up and printed on a “gorgeous” watermarked family photo. The image was then framed and hung on the living room wall for the whole world to see.

More than 20 years later I can still remember the mission statement we came up with: “we will work together to make each other happy.” As a family, we certainly had our faults, and my sisters and I fought, as sisters do. But I think this statement is something that impacted us all, and today it is still our underlying goal to work together in order to help each other and to bring happiness and joy, instead of diversity or aggression.

This statement gave each of us a vision and direction that was bigger than ourselves, and it helped guide and influence the decisions we made. I believe this idea is also extremely important for a marriage.

Which direction will you choose?

God has designed each person for a unique purpose. If we are married then our marriage is also incorporated into this purpose. We have been brought together to accomplish something important for the Kingdom. But since our purpose seldom comes as a direct, clear voice from heaven, we need to take steps to discover what God is calling us to.

A significant first step in this process is choosing the direction you will take your marriage. In his book “Keep Your Love On”, Danny Silk makes the point that we subconsciously (or sometimes consciously) choose one of two directions for our marriage: distance and safety or connection and closeness. We can choose to keep ourselves at a safe distance from our spouse and avoid the possibility of getting hurt., or we can choose to work towards closeness and a greater sense of connection, intimacy, and love.

Choosing closeness opens us up to the risk of great pain, and the likelihood of stepping on each other's sore spots. However, it also provides us with the best environment to discover our God-given purpose and vision for the future, both individually and as a couple.

The Message version of Proverbs 29:8 states

If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed.

If we are pursuing closeness with our spouse, our hearts are softer and more open to discovering what God is revealing to us about where to go as a couple.

Why is a clear vision helpful?

If we have a clear vision and direction for our marriage then decision making is easier. As decisions arise, we can ask ourselves whether the options line up with our vision as a couple. We can only fit so much in our week, so if we are filling our time with things that God has called us to leave alone we will become stressed and anxious. However, when we make the focus something he has called us to, then he will equip us for it.

Recently, Mike and I had a difference of opinion about how our time should be best spent. We tried to talk about our feelings and the reasons behind why we felt that way. Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t go well and we just couldn’t find agreement.

The next day, after we had calmed down, we remembered the work we had done on our marriage vision, and our decision to let this vision guide us. So we went back to what we had written and pretty quickly we could see what the right decision was, the decision that best lined up with the goals we had and the direction we had decided to go as a couple. That put an end to the disagreement and allowed us to move forward with a clear plan.

How do you create a marriage vision?

In their book, “The Story of Marriage”, John and Lisa Bevere talk about the importance of “starting with the end in mind.” We have found this particularly helpful to give a clearer and more focused direction to the goals we set. The idea is that you think and pray about the type of legacy you want to leave as a couple. What do you want people to remember you for?

While raising godly, healthy, happy children is an important aspect of a marriage vision, it is important that this is not the only goal for your marriage. God put you together as a couple to impact your world. How can you do that in a uniquely “you” way? Do you feel called to impact families, your local community, children without dads, or those recently out of prison? Are you as a couple passionate about an overseas mission or a particular area of the business community? What has God put on your heart?

Once you have an end goal or at least a loose idea of one, you can more easily envision how this goal impacts significant areas of your life.

Ask yourself this, “to achieve our dreams for our marriage, what decisions and actions do we need to take today as a couple, a family and as individuals?”

Yearly Vision Check-ups

Jimmy and Karen Evans from MarriageToday and the increasingly popular XO Marriage Conference in the States are big advocates for yearly Vision Retreats. You can read more about their ideas on their website - Vision Retreat Journey

While this may seem daunting I think that regularity makes talking about your vision easier. This way you don’t need to wrap the next 10-20 years up in one go. Instead, you can break it down and make it simple and practical.

The Evans's suggest setting aside a weekend each year to work through your goals as a couple. However, to make it doable (and more likely to be repeated) it is important to include lots of non-goal focused fun too.

Earlier this year, Mike and I spent a weekend at a hotel in town for our Vision Retreat. We got up late and enjoyed the buffet breakfast, then spent a couple of hours over two mornings clarifying and discussing our vision. In the afternoons we explored our city and did a bit of shopping. The weekend was an extremely productive one, but also a fun and enjoyable memory.