Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex baby!
4 tips for discussing sex with your spouse
Sex, an intimate and beautiful act designed by God, but often presented in today's culture in crass and graphic ways. It is regularly shied away from in the church arena and can even be talked about as dirty or bad. Given the many mixed messages we receive about sex, it is no wonder that most couples struggle to talk about it.
Sex is an awkward topic. There is so much emotion attached to it and it’s something most of us have had very little healthy education about.
It is likely your parents struggled to have the “Birds & the Bees” talk with you in your pre- to early-teens. If you were lucky, you may have been given a book about your anatomy and some sex basics which had some beneficial information to start you off. But, if not, you probably picked up most of what you knew from kids at school, TV or trashy teenage magazines. Other influences may have come in as you entered adulthood, further warping your understanding of how great married sex can be and how to actually achieve this.
With such a limited or unhealthy starting point, we can come into marriage with some pretty incorrect or skewed views, expectations and ideas. We can then transfer these on to our new husband or wife, often without them (or us) even knowing it. This environment can lead to a large array of problems as two sexually charged people spend years misunderstanding each other on one of the most significant parts of marriage.
So we need to get comfortable with talking about SEX with our spouse. It’s going to be awkward at first, that is a given. But let's accept this, and continue to take little steps toward becoming increasingly comfortable with talking about this important subject.
From my experience, this is certainly an area, like any other, that you can choose to work on and see progress made. As we talk more about this topic, we continue to build a strong foundation for our marriage and we learn more about each other as we explore new things together.
That’s all very well and good to say, but how do we do this? Where do we start?
Here are a couple of ideas to consider and points to get the talking started...
Discussions about sex are best done out of the bedroom
As I’ve stated, there is so much emotion tied up in a sexual encounter, especially for women. In our experience, we have found, it is best to have discussions concerning expectations or issues around your sex life outside of the bedroom. Not only is it a real turn off to talk about areas of improvement during a lovemaking session, but it is also likely to cause a more heated response from the other person when they are in such a vulnerable setting.
So maybe on a date night at home or when you are snuggled up on the couch together, give your partner a bit of warning, ("Would you be open to talking about something a little “out there” tonight?”) and gently start the conversation.
Talk about frequency
In a married relationship it is quite normal to have one higher and one lower desire person. Since marriage is all about learning to compromise, it is therefore very important to have semi-regular, open conversations about how often you both want to have sex.
The frequency of sex is likely to change with the seasons of life, but through each season the goal is:
A. That we are having regular intimate encounters,
B. we are talking about it and,
C. BOTH parties are in agreement with the decisions made.
If you aren’t wholeheartedly in agreement then you need to keep having the conversation.
Tell your partner what feels good
Although, as previously mentioned, it is best not to have in depth discussions about sex before or after love making, it is highly recommended that you get a little bit vocal during sex, telling your lover what you are enjoying.
You can do this in words, sounds, facial expressions and/or movement, whatever works for you. You don’t need to be loud like you may have seen in the movies (but hey if it works and is appropriate then go for it), but some indication for your partner goes a long way to improving your connection with each other during your lovemaking.
Then when you are lying in each other’s arms afterward, (best to check he hasn’t drifted off first though ladies), affirming your partner and mentioning what you really enjoyed can help him or her know what to add to their repertoire.
However, if there was something you weren’t so fond of, I can say from experience that it is best not to ruin the moment and blurt it out. Talking about it later, in a comfortable and loving environment, will get a much better outcome.
When giving suggestions for change, it is best not to focus on what you didn’t like but instead offer a recommendation (presented in a positive light) of something you would really like to try. You could say something like...“I was thinking about how great last night was! And was wondering how it would feel if we tried …... next time?”
Remember, this is a journey you are on together. You won’t know if you like something until you try it, so give all feedback gently and in love.
The existence of the orgasm is a clear indication that God wanted sex to be more than just about procreation.
Talk about your wants, desires, and fantasies
I read recently that the existence of the orgasm is a clear indication that God wanted sex to be more than just about procreation. He designed us in such a way that it was for pleasure too. He gave us, as a married couple, a unique gift to enjoy, discover, explore and work on together.
If we are going to be having sex with the same person for 30, 40, or 50 odd years and we want it to stay exciting and enjoyable, then we’ve got to keep it interesting. I can guarantee that it would get super boring eating Spaghetti Bolognaise every other meal for 50 years. In the same way, doing pretty much the same thing in the same environment every time you make love will get old. So, spicing things up a bit is a good idea.
This doesn’t mean you need to be a gymnast or that you should head down the Fifty Shades of Grey track. But, there are lots of different sexual positions, locations and experiences you can easily and enjoyably try with your spouse. But you won’t know what the other person is interested in trying unless you talk about it.
This is a pretty big topic, which I’ll reserve for another time. However, there are a couple of key things to remember when exploring together:
1. It is vital that both partners agree to what you are trying. However, I encourage you to be open and push yourself out of your comfort zone, even just a little.
2. Keep it God honouring, e.g. don’t bring another person into your bedroom, real or imaginary.
So, the key takeaways from this post - sex in marriage is a good gift from God, it is meant to be explored and enjoyed together, but we MUST learn to communicate about it and that takes practice.
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