Let’s Get Physical
Let’s Get Physical
– The Importance of Physical Touch in Marriage
I vividly remember Mike and my second date. The food was good, and the movie enjoyable. What I remember most though were the many distracting thoughts running through my head- “Will he hold my hand? Am I ok with him holding my hand? Where can I position mine so it is available but not obvious?” Not to mention the all-consuming electricity as our hands or arms brushed past each other, not so, accidentally. Mike didn’t hold my hand that night, but I do remember the moment he did, as well as our awkward first hug and innocent first kiss. Back when we were dating, non-sexual physical touch was a significant and essential part of our relationship.
As the years go on and we have more distractions, it can be common for non-sexual touch to go by the wayside. If your love language isn’t physical touch then it can be even harder to think about it in the process of daily life, especially if you’ve had a child attached to you most of the day! But physical touch, which doesn’t lead to sex, is actually an important part of a great marriage. It not only tells the other person you love them, but it shows acceptance, assures them you are with them, and creates a closeness only the two of you share. Tony and Alicia DeLorenzo from One Extraordinary Marriage include Physical Intimacy, through physical touch as one of their 6 Pillars of Intimacy, and it is listed completely separately from their last pillar of Sexual Intimacy.
So why is physical touch so important?
We humans have been created to not just desire connection, it is actually a basic need. Physical contact is significant in how it affects feelings of closeness within a relationship. Research has shown that it also greatly affects our health.
You can probably attest to this yourself, but studies have confirmed that gentle touch has a calming effect on certain bodily functions, such as your heart rate and blood pressure. It is also known to improve the function of your immune system as well as reduce diseases associated with the heart and blood.
Touch increases levels of dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that help regulate your mood and relieve stress and anxiety. And it promotes the release of oxytocin, known as the “feel-good” hormone. This helps encourage positive thinking and an optimistic outlook on the world, as well as creating feelings of compassion and trust during interactions.
In our overly sexualised world, touch has too often been linked with sex, so it’s not surprising that some of us don’t actually do the non-sexual side well.
Physical touch, which doesn’t lead to sex, is actually an important part of a great marriage.
So what exactly constitutes as good non-sexual touch?
Well, anything really that doesn’t lead to sex. However, for it to be meaningful to your spouse it really should be something they enjoy. Some people find PDA (public displays of affection) cringe-worthy, so knowing what is nice to your spouse is helpful for this to meet its desired goal. Therefore, a clarifying conversation is probably a great place to start.
Some examples to get you going through could be:
- hold hands, especially in public;
- sitting close on the couch;
- hugs or cuddles;
- touching feet underneath the table;
- massaging the other person’s neck;
- spooning (and talking) in bed before sleep;
- a gentle tap on the bum or hand on the lower back and gentle kissing.
It can also be physical play such as wrestling, tickling, or tousling hair. Even just putting your hand on your partner’s knee when driving is a great way to show someone you are thinking about them and content with them.
Some of these examples may seem sexual in nature, and sometimes they will be, but the idea is that you do them to show love and affection to the other person, and not just as a part of foreplay to get them into bed.
You can read more about understanding your spouse HERE.
If you have found yourself out of the habit then start small and build up as you go. Maybe it’s just a gentle touch on the arm or back, something to show your spouse you notice them. You’ll be surprised just how much your feelings of love and affection will grow from a little bit of touch.
