Lessons from the Trenches

All marriages go through difficult seasons, where the feelings of love are harder to find. But sometimes things can get extra tough! One of you may have admitted to an affair, or woken up one day feeling like the love has gone. Or perhaps you are spending increasing amounts of your time together arguing or ignoring each other.

It is at this point that we all have a choice to make: will we get out of the marriage and move on to perceived “greener pastures”, or will we get stuck in and fight.

They say that anything in life worth having is worth fighting for and a good marriage is absolutely worth the fight. It may not feel like your marriage can ever be good again, but how will you know unless you try?

Making the decision to fight

Back in mid-2009 I found myself in a position where I had to make a decision. Was my marriage worth fighting for, even when my first husband had admitted to an on-going adulterous relationship? Obviously, I was furious at him and heart-broken. But, by God’s grace and guidance, I found a strong determination to fight for my marriage, despite the challenges I faced.

Because of his choices our marriage did eventually end, but I have absolutely no regrets that I chose to stay around and fight. I spent months praying and believing for our relationship to turn around, showing love even when all I got in return was rejection. Because of my choice I was able to walk away with a clear conscience, knowing I’d acted with integrity and that I had given everything I could for my marriage.

God used this difficult season of my life to grow me exponentially. And in the process He taught me some significant lessons which I am passionate about sharing with anyone who will listen. If you are struggling, or know someone who is, I hope that this helps you with the next step.

1. Don’t give up too easily.

We are a throwaway generation. If something is broken we replace it. No longer do people spend their evenings mending and fixing their precious possessions. But, that’s not God's economy. He is the careful, loving potter who labours away repairing our cracks and remoulding our misshapen pieces, making us whole and beautiful again.

And one of the key things that God uses to soften our rough edges and work on our flaws and imperfections, IS marriage. So when things get tough it is in our best interest to stick it out and put our effort into working on ourselves and our marriages. In these times of struggle and pain, God is offering us an opportunity to grow and to become more like His Son.

There are many stories of people who have moved past major issues in their marriages and then gone on to have a massive impact on those around them. What if your marriage could be one of these success stories?

2. Seek out professional counselling

While for some people getting professional help can be seen as a negative, I believe the exact opposite. Admitting we need help is an incredibly positive thing to do and shows immense character and intent to grow.

In the ideal world, you and your partner would go together to counselling sessions. However, if they aren’t interested in going, don’t let that stop you. We all have stuff to work through: baggage we carry and flaws in our thinking. Working on yours will help you, regardless of the final outcome for your marriage. I recommend finding someone who has a Christian faith and is “for” marriage. This way they can help support you in your journey of fighting for your relationship.

Not surprisingly, I got a lot of advice during this season of my life. But one of the commitments I made early on was to always run any important decisions past my counsellor first, before I acted on them. I knew my emotions couldn’t really be trusted, so he helped me filter out the good advice from the not so helpful advice.

3. Push into God with everything you have

God is a God of love. He doesn’t cause the pain in our lives. We live in a fallen world where sin abounds. But I believe that one of the reasons God allows these things to happen to us, is that He is able to work them to our good, further showing His glory. One way He does this is by bringing us closer to Him, teaching us about who He is and how He sees us.

During this painful season of my life God was so loving and gentle. He taught me about His deep, unfailing love in a way I had never experienced before. He showed Himself to me as my Daddy God. I would often picture myself snuggled up on His knee, wrapped in His arms as I cried out in my pain and frustration. He didn’t leave me, or get annoyed at my whining or repetitive complaints. Instead, He loved me and comforted me through them.

He also taught me that He is for marriage and that He wants us to fight for it, but not as man fights. The verse I believe God gave me for this season was:

“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD's victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. “ 2 Chronicles 20:17

He taught me to fight in faith, through prayer and obedience. I learnt about the power of spiritual warfare and the influence He has given me through my prayers and His Word. While difficult to learn, I wouldn’t change this experience for anything, and I have found the lessons so helpful in other areas of my life.

4. Surround yourself with a loving community

Our God is incredibly faithful in meeting our needs, if we allow Him to guide us. About two months before things started to unravel in my marriage I felt God call me into a new church. There I found myself surrounded by so many amazing people my age, many of whom were single.

While the women couldn’t directly relate to the painful experience I was walking through, they were an amazing support network. One girl in particular would regularly meet with me and fight with me in prayer for my marriage.

If you don’t already have this sort of community around you, then ask God to help you find one. You can read more about the importance of Community, and God’s hand in this process, in my blog Side By Side.