Fan That Flame -

3 Ideas for Keeping the Flame of Intimacy Burning.

I am sure that when you first started dating your spouse, spending time together was something you both couldn’t wait to do.  You longed to be with them, you thought about them all the time, you often sent them cute messages, and when you finally saw them again you felt excitement and butterflies.

We know that this initial intensity of feeling can’t last, life gets busy and we can get bogged down by the stresses and pressures that come our way.  With more than 50% of marriages failing and many others living in unhappy, unfulfilling relationships, what can we do to prevent our marriages from adding to these depressing statistics? How can we keep the spark and connection alive instead?

Rituals of Connection

According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the key things happy couples do to keep intimacy active in their relationship is to consciously incorporate Rituals of Connection. These rituals and traditions can include how you communicate throughout the day, what you do when you are together, or placing an importance on regular vacations and couple getaways.

“It doesn't really matter what you choose to do, as long as both you and your partner enjoy it, agree to it, do it regularly and consistently, and find that it brings you closer together.” - John Gottman

Since reading Gottman’s book, The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work, I have reflected on how a number of small things that Mike and I have implemented have become important connection points in our relationship.  Now that I am aware of how valuable these really are, I have started to make a more conscious effort to keep them going and, where possible, to improve and grow them.

So how are you going in this area of your relationship?  Do you have many Rituals of Connection in place, or is this an area that could do with some extra effort?  

Below are just a few ideas we have picked up along the way which have really helped build the level of connection we feel as a couple.  

1. Make an effort when greeting and leaving each other

A great place to start when building connection points is how you greet and leave one another. The regularity of these events will provide you with ample opportunities to practice. Working to create positive experiences around greetings and farewells will build anticipation for seeing each other more and therefore make the rituals easier to keep.  The effort also shows your spouse they are important and significant to you and worth a moment of your time.

For example, stopping what you are doing, even for a moment, to give your spouse a smile, a kiss, a cuddle and a warm greeting when they arrive home is a good idea. I know it can be difficult when in the middle of cooking dinner, and there are pots on the stove and other activities and noise around, but it will absolutely have a positive influence on the rest of your evening.

An extra special ritual Mike introduced into our marriage early on was the habit of turning around and blowing me a kiss just before he walks out the front door.  It may sound cheesy to some, but while this little gesture is so simple it has come to mean so much. And if he doesn’t do it, then I know I’m definitely in his bad books!  

2. Implement regular special connection points

Life De-Briefs

Like most couples, Mike and I have a lot going on in life.  We both work full time jobs (Mike is also studying part-time), are actively involved in our church, and have friends and family that need our time and attention. So, if we aren’t intentional, we could easily go a whole week without spending much time together.  

In John & Lisa Bevere’s book, The Story of Marriage, they talk about the importance of putting time aside each day to catch up with your spouse and debrief.  Gottman’s research shows that spending just 20 minutes per day in “de-stress conversations” will make a significant impact on a couple’s sense of friendship and connectedness.

We implemented this practice about 10 months into our marriage and have found it so valuable.  We call it “Couch Time”, although sometimes it is done lying on our bed or sitting in the car. Knowing that you can come home and download the difficulties of your day to someone who cares about you, and then get a hug and kiss in response, makes a world of difference.

Date Nights

Mike and I don’t have children yet, but we have made a conscious effort to make Date Night a habit now, with the intention that this will more easily transition with us into the different seasons of life.  We have agreed to fortnightly Date Nights, and these events go in our calendar before anything else. We can move them if needed to a different night, but we can never cancel them. They are our anticipated opportunities to get out of the mundane of life for a while and do something fun, and often a bit romantic, together.

Praying Together

After reading From This Day Forward by Craig & Amy Groeschel, Mike and I decided we wanted to try and make prayer times together a regular part of our relationship.   Long sessions in prayer aren’t something we find easy, so we have created regular touch points throughout the day which work for us.  Mike prays for us before we leave for work in the morning, we pray before dinner and then together we thank God and pray before we go to sleep each night.  Every week or two we also spend a longer, more focused period of time praying for important or significant things going on in our lives. As a wife these are some of my favourite moments as I witness my strong, and seemingly fearless, husband talking intimately and passionately with his Daddy God.

3. Add the cherry on top with fun extras

Looking for ways you can build fun extras into your relationship is a great way to build connection.  Whether it be a vacation out of town or an overnight adventure in your city, there are lots of ways to make great memories of focused time enjoying one another. Check out A Cityscape Date for a cost saving getaway idea.

Another easy and free way to experience again the joy of your dating days is to make a habit of having at least one decent kiss a day. Not just a peck on the lips but a good 10-15 second pash. It will give you the effects of an adrenaline shot, and who knows, it may even set the mood for something extra!

If you are feeling disconnected from your spouse or that the spark which was once there is fading, don’t give up!  I encourage you to spend some time together going through the different parts of your world to find ways you can implement more points of connection. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, so you don’t have to do it all at once. Start slow, building in one habit at a time and see how these new rituals build the connection between you.

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