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The Horizontal Dance

Sex. An action designed by God to bring about the creation of life but also, and I think most importantly for your marriage, to bond you together as a couple.  It is a topic that is graphically, grossly and explicitly talked about in the world, but often shied away from in church settings.  It is, however, a beautiful gift from God for a couple to enjoy and explore together.  And while it is a private and intimate thing between two people, I believe the expectation to stay silent on this subject means couples get thrust into marriage and sex but don’t feel able to talk to others when they encounter problems and need help.

For my husband and I, sex was the topic we fought most about in the first year of marriage. Not something either of us expected! We discovered that while I had a lot of experience, it did very little to help us in our marriage.  Making love with my husband was a completely new thing for me, but his expectation of my experience (and therefore my lack of follow through) caused a number of heated and teary episodes.

Good communication about our sex life and expectations was incredibly significant for us. It helped us understand where each other was coming from but also enabled us to learn more about one other and how our thinking and experience differs. Sometimes the road to an outcome required multiple attempts at discussing it but we found that if we didn’t give up and kept communication channels open, we eventually came up with a solution or new understanding.

A few examples that are close to home for us are shared below. We share this freely so others in the same situations can know they aren’t alone, and can learn from some of the practices we have implemented in our marriage.

• As Christians, we spend our single, adult years controlling our sexual urges. It is challenging for some when they have spent so long trying to stop impure thoughts, and suddenly being in a marriage and being told they can and should think about their partner in a sexual fashion doesn’t always mean the switch is just ‘turned on’. We know that in marriage, thinking about your partner in a sexual and loving way is important for building your desire for them. This can be learnt and practiced and for us, communication was key to getting this started. So what does this actually mean? Well, we talked a lot about our challenges with differing sex drives and I decided it was important for me to take the initiative and help my husband think more about sex. I did this by talking about it, sending texts or leaving notes that all helped to fuel the fire and create a new way of thinking.  This helped us both stay in touch with one another and increased our desire for regular and rewarding sex.

• Talking about what was going on was also important, since to start with I felt like the issues had something to do with me.  He was able to assure me this was certainly not the case and therefore I had to learn to step back from my emotions and to encourage and love him through it.  Again this area was one we brought regularly to God in prayer, and as we made progress, we thanked Him for his hand in our love life. I feel like the challenges we faced in this area have brought us closer together as a couple as well as given us a greater understanding of how God cares about all aspects of our life.

• Early on my husband and I recognised how the depth of our connection grew when our love making was regular. I have seen firsthand how sex can be a priority to start with, but how this can wane with time and as busyness and normality set in.  I am very keen for this not to be our story as sex is a very important part of marriage, not just for connection but also to a man's feelings of relational security, masculinity and settledness - which as a loving wife I absolutely want to support.  So I decided to do a bit of research and started by reading an awesome book - The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire.  In this book, the author talks about how she made a decision to only say no to her husband's advances if she was really sick or physically unable. This idea really stood out to me and has been a stance I am choosing to implement as best I can. Obviously I hope that when I am sick or physically unable to, then my loving, caring husband will not make such advances, and very often this is the case. But this stance is also a great check when feeling tired or uninterested, and I can honestly attest that what they say is true, “once you start very often you don't want to stop.”

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