Discovered in Disappointment
Discovered in Disappointment
TRIGGER WARNING – Subject deals with miscarriage and infertility.
Have you ever felt disappointed at God? Not just upset, but angry, confused and deeply disappointed. Maybe you felt like he’d spoken to you, taken you on a journey, was directing and leading you, but then it all looked lost and you wondered if you got it completely wrong? Or, is it that life has handed you some big curveballs and you wonder how God can turn it around? Disappointment is certainly not a place people talk about much in Christian settings.
But what do you do when these are your feelings and this is your journey?
When Disappointed Is An Understatement
In 2022 Mike and I embarked on our second and final course of IVF. We were paying a hefty sum, but we were full of hope. Years earlier I felt like God gave me a picture of a little boy, and later I believe He confirmed the picture with a meaningful name for this child. We had many people praying and believing with us, and I guess we just assumed he was on his way.
The first failed embryo was a set back, but we still had hope, even if the second one wasn’t as well graded. In the weeks leading up to our last transfer and during the waiting period I felt like God was very present, speaking to me often and taking me on a journey as He talked about His miracle power. I was full of faith and totally expectant.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
When our first blood test came back pregnant I felt no reason to question it, I figured that if we had come this far then our little boy was as good as here. I was taken aback when they said, very nonchalantly, that the levels weren’t rising as expected, but I was peaceful that they would correct themselves. So when we were told that we had lost our baby I was shocked. How could this be? This type of thing isn’t hard for God, people get pregnant every day, and hadn’t He promised me my boy?!
To be honest, disappointed is almost an understatement for how I felt when the shock wore off. I was angry! I was broken! Praying felt pointless for a time as I wondered if God even really listened or cared enough to act. And what about all I had heard from Him? Did it mean nothing? Had I got it all so very wrong? Had I not actually heard him? Did I even know how to hear from God?
If you have ever walked through grief and disappointment, I am sure you have felt some of the things I did. But as I sat in my pain God was faithful. He has reminded me again of the truths I know in my heart, but that my mind sometimes struggles to remember. I pray that if you are walking through a grief journey God uses something in my musings to refresh your weary soul.
Musing 1 – A Sacrifice of Praise
In this season I have felt reminded of the power and value that comes from a sacrifice of praise. I have come to see this posture as a unique opportunity, one which we will only get to experience here on earth.
When we are in heaven we will spend our days praising and worshiping God, but it will be from a position of freedom, joy and hope fulfilled. It is only on earth that we can experience the rawness of coming to God with our broken hearts, messy burdens and deepest hurts. Then being to discover, in a new way, His love for us as we see Him bring peace and joy in the midst of our storms.
As we learn to worship and praise Him despite our pain, we gain a fresh understanding of who He is, how good He is, and, His great plans for our lives.
Musing 2 – The possibility of empty hands.
I have discovered that there is possibility in our empty hands. When we come to God with the burden of our plans and lay them at His feet, we go away empty handed. This can feel like a great loss, especially if you have been holding on to this burden for a while. At least, when we are holding tightly to our plans, we have something in our grasp, something we feel we have some control over. So letting go can feel vulnerable and hard. But when we find the courage to do this we go away lighter, empty handed but lighter.
However, in that vulnerability we provide space for God to move, to place something new, new dreams, hopes and projects. Things that we would be unable to fully grasp and take hold of if our hands were full of our own plans.
Musing 3 – God IS a God of Miracles
I don’t have all the answers as to why we didn’t get our miracle, or why I felt so strongly that He had spoken and yet we have not seen the fruit. Now, most days, I sit in a place where I can rest and find hope for my future. In a place where I can muster the strength to do like Jesus did and say, “not my will but yours be done.” Again, I am expectant for my God to move in my life.
Despite my experience, I believe He is a miracle maker. He can do the impossible. However I am learning that sometimes we put God in a box and we can expect our miracle to look a certain way. God does want to work miracles in our life on a regular basis, but they might not “look” the way we expect. Therefore, if we are so set on the outcome being the way we have planned, we can miss the miracles He is actually doing.
The journey of grief can be a long and rocky one, that looks different for every person and situation. However, I encourage you not to get stuck there. God wants to bring something beautiful out of your pain. May it be a wonder to behold!
Please check out my other posts about walking through grief for more truths to hold onto in this journey…. The Purpose of Pain and The Infertile Journey
