Clearing the Decks

3 Keys to Learning to Fight Fair

The process of learning to fight fair is a journey we will be on for the rest of our lives.  Whether we like to admit it or not, for most of us this is because of our innately selfish nature.  It’s a symptom of The Fall, but thankfully it’s an area we can certainly improve in.  Rick Warren describes marriage as “a lifelong course in learning to be unselfish”  and I totally agree with him.  When I reflect on the arguments I have with my husband they are pretty much always fuelled by the selfish desires of one, or both of us – even if it is just the intense determination to have our point of view heard correctly.

For those who hate conflict the idea of spending so much of our lives in disagreements with our spouse can be a very scary thought!  But conflict is not something we need to fear or avoid.  Instead, if we can learn to slow things down and work on trying to be less self-focused in our interactions, healthy conflict can be achieved.  And as they say, practice makes perfect, so we can’t improve in this area if we avoid areas of tension in our relationships.

Mike, my husband, and I are continuing to seek out and learn new tips for improving the way we fight.  A couple of helpful ones that we are working on at present are below.  You can also check out my previous blog post about conflict resolution, “Allies or Enemies?”.

Helpful Tip 1 - When and how we start conflict resolution matters 

Now I know that sometimes areas of conflict seem to completely sneak up on you. One minute you are swimming along happily and the next you are in some very hot water.  But when it comes to the bigger, less easily solved, areas of disagreement, I have found that we generally have a choice on how and when we properly discuss the matter.  This gives us the perfect opportunity to spend some time beforehand putting ourselves in the other person's shoes, in order to approach the issue from an empathetic angle. This will often make our discussions more successful.  

When having these types of discussions it is important to remember that, for many people, a vital requirement for achieving healthy conflict is needing to feel truly heard.  If you have actively listened to each other and have been able to empathise with how the other person feels, being heard can go a long way towards seeing a positive outcome or resolution, even if you still don’t see eye to eye at the end of the discussion.

Not surprisingly, the Bible gives some sound advice on this in James 1:19 (NLT), “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”   I am learning that if I am able to focus on actually listening to Mike’s point of view – rather than trying to think of my response or how I can best defend myself – then we can often stop a disagreement from escalating.  There is such satisfaction and an added depth of connection when we are able to walk away from a difficult discussion, knowing we have both been heard and that our listening skills avoided a big blow up! 

So what happens if one of you (like my husband) finds they can forget an issue if they don’t bring it up straight away, but then feels twice as annoyed when it happens next time?  My suggestion would be to get in the habit of writing the issue down or making a note of it on your phone to discuss it at a better time; but that is my admin brain talking and easier said than done for ‘in the moment’ type people. 

So, while we continue to work on improving how and when we bring up topics of tension, we have also agreed that if Mike decides it is really important for him to discuss something when he feels it, then he has to have the expectation that I will respond poorly.  If he has this realistic expectation, then he is motivated to work harder on keeping his comments positive and presenting the truth in love rather than with aggression. This gives me a chance to catch up.

Helpful Tip 2 - Apologise

Saying we are sorry is incredibly important for a healthy marriage, but something I really struggle to do!  I won’t say “I’m sorry” unless I know what I‘m sorry for, and generally my apology looks more like a specific list of things I am willing to admit fault for.  My husband, on the other hand, says sorry almost immediately and frequently follows up with justification for his area of wrongdoing.  In our 3 years as a couple I truly believe our arguments have gone on longer and escalated higher partly because of the way we apologise (or don’t apologise, as the case may be).

Recently, however, we discovered The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and it has changed our world!  I finally understand why Mike’s apologies generally leave me feeling more annoyed and why he just won’t leave an issue alone even though I feel I’ve said “I’m sorry” when I admitted my area of fault. We have been talking past each other through our different languages of apology.  We discovered that for me to be able to move on I need to have someone say “I’m sorry” and then express ownership for their part in the issue, detailing exactly what they are sorry for.  However, for Mike it is extremely important that he hears the words “I’m sorry”, or for him the argument is not over.  Since this discovery, I have made a much more conscious effort to squeeze out the words “I’m sorry”, and it is certainly helping to end our arguments quicker.

Helpful Tip 3 - Don't be afraid to keep working an issue through

Men often complain that women tend to bring up the same issue again and again – a trait that really frustrates them - especially when they think it has been dealt with.  My husband and I had an issue like this, which for over a year I just kept bringing up. Each time I did, he would get really frustrated with me.  One day when we were happily cuddling on the couch we decided to talk about any issues that we had. We call it “Clearing the Decks” an exercise we picked up from The Story of Marriage by John & Lisa Bevere.  I gingerly brought my concern up again. While initially he was frustrated, we finally managed to have a really good conversation, without too much emotion, where I felt like I had been truly heard.  He was able to hear where I was coming from and apologise.  Since then I feel I have actually been able to move on and don’t feel I need to bring it up again. Success!

We would love to see this blog go as wide as we can to hopefully help and encourage as many people as possible, so if you find these blogs helpful, I would love to invite you to share it with your friends!