Allies or Enemies? Conflict Resolution Tips

Conflict – a word that makes many of us cringe, but an unavoidable experience in any marriage relationship, especially a healthy, thriving one.  The goal, however, is achieving healthy conflict rather than unhealthy conflict.  Whether your natural response is to be the loud and angry fighting type, the extended silent treatment type, the stick your head in the sand and ignore it but build up resentment type, or a mixture of all three, it is important to figure out what this healthy conflict business actually looks like.

I am certainly far from being an expert in this area, and to be honest, conflict resolution is probably the thing my husband and I struggle with the most.  Over the years we’ve had some pretty big blow-ups; suffice to say, neither of us could be categorised as the silent treatment type (our poor neighbours)!  Usually, our fights start over something pretty trivial. One of our biggest fights was over a Boba Fett picture (that’s an ugly Star Wars character if you are not lucky enough to have a Star Wars geek for a husband) which my then fiancé wanted to have pride of place on our lounge wall.  A more recent example was a real doozy over a parking space, which started in the middle of a footpath. Oh the shame!  Looking back on them it always amazes me how intense our emotions can get in the middle of one of these rip-roaring fights.  Watching what we say in these moments is so important if we want to avoid disconnection or long-term pain.

While the majority of our conflict is over pretty insignificant stuff, sometimes we come across something that can actually have major consequences if not handled well.  Therefore, my husband and I are trying to make a real point of improving the way we respond when we encounter areas of difference.   A significant reason for this is so that when one of these big nasties come up, we have some decent practice under our belt, in the less crucial stuff, and ideally have some good strong weapons in our armoury to fight the problem together, as a team, rather than as enemies.  

So here is Part One of a few of the pointers we have discovered so far. We are certainly finding that, when implemented, these ideas are helping us see a positive change in our arguments.

Putting the issue in front of you, not between you

This is a concept we picked up from doing the Alpha Marriage Course and one that, when we actually do it, makes a significant difference to the outcome of our disagreement.

It is so common when you reach a moment of conflict to feel attacked and hurt by what your partner has said. The natural response to this is to defend yourself.  For me this process can take one of two routes: defending myself and turning some (or more accurately, all) of the blame around and putting it on Mike; or playing the martyr and taking all of the blame myself, “woe is me, I am the worst wife in the world”.  

This ball of conflict can volley back and forth if we let it, as we fling accusations around, focusing on each person’s part in the area of conflict rather than the issue itself.  However, if we can take a moment and step back from the problem, identify it as an issue of difference and move away from attacking each other or martyring ourselves, then we can often get on the same team to look for solutions to how we view or handle the issue.

My husband and I have found that a massive key to the success or failure of this is how we physically position ourselves. If we sit across the room or a table from each other, then our argument goes downhill.  If we are able to move so we are sitting side by side, ideally touching, our body language presents that of a team and we can tackle the issue together better.  Another tip, if one of you works better when you can physically see something, can be to write down possible solutions and work through discussing, eliminating or altering each one.

Pick your battles

While in terms of ethnicity my husband and I are very similar, the family cultures we come from are very different. For starters, he is from a family of all boys and one of a set of identical twins. I am the oldest of three girls.  In my family we were encouraged to express and talk about the things that bothered us, while in Mike’s this wasn’t a strong focus.  We are also just very different people with decidedly different interests and ways of thinking.

Dr Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry and Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute, talks about a theory called Integration.   Essentially this is a concept that explores the importance of honouring each other’s differences and working to link them in with how we personally see the world.  If we are able to achieve this, then, like a choir with each person singing a different note, we can create harmony and not chaos and rigidity in our relationships. We can even see the other person’s differences as an opportunity to grow ourselves as people.  The ability to accept and even appreciate and affirm your partner’s unique thoughts, opinions and values is an important aspect of a good marriage.  

So if we put this concept into a conflict setting this means there will often be things we view, interpret and decide to act on differently.  But rather than trying to make the other person fit into our box of what is the right or wrong way of doing something, we need to appreciate and accept that they are different.  Therefore, when the towels are not quite folded the way I like or the pillows are put on the bed crinkled rather than smooth, I need to ask myself whether this is worth the effort and potential disagreement. Or do I just need to accept that he is different than me, has different priorities to me, and choose to focus on the massive positives in the man I married (he is willing to make the bed and do the washing after all!) and not make a big deal of the perceived negatives.

Wipe the slate clean – Be quick to forgive

Forgiveness in a marriage is something that I don’t think can be emphasised enough.  When you live and interact with someone on a daily basis, it is inevitable that you will cause pain or frustration for each other.  These grievances can often be small and seemingly insignificant, but if we don’t deal with “the little foxes” (as Song of Solomon 2:15 says) we can build up an ever growing bank of negativity and resentment against our spouse.  So while we may choose not to bring up and argue about all the little issues, it is important that we don’t just completely ignore them either.  Instead, we need to identify the frustration and make a conscious effort to accept and forgive.   Forgiveness is a choice, sometimes one you have to make many times over.  Our role as a spouse is to choose to not feel upset and hold negative feelings against our partner when we have decided it is a battle we are not going to get into.  

Another key I have found to forgiveness is taking the time to work on putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes.  Empathy is such a powerful tool in conflict and also in forgiveness. As Christians we have been forgiven of so much, and through Jesus, God continues to wipe our slates clean daily.  So we are called to “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32 NLT).  If we can work on growing in our understanding of the depth of God’s forgiveness of us, then it becomes easier to forgive and have empathy for our spouse.

Well, as I said this is a pretty big topic for my husband and I, so make sure you follow this Blog and don’t miss Part Two of the conflict resolution tips we have been learning.

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