All the Small Things
All the Small Things
– Little things that help move your marriage from good to great.
As you fight the urge to sing Blink 182’s “All The Small Things” chorus with me, let’s take a look at how all those small things that we do or say in our marriages can impact our relationship.
Small Things = Big Impact
The small things in our marriage make a big difference. Just like a bit of salt or a pinch of spice add flavour, taking a meal from bland to exciting, the small things we do have the potential to add interest, build connection and take our marriages from boring or average to awesome and amazing. But it is also true that too much salt or the wrong spices have the power to ruin a good dish. Likewise, little jibes, thoughtlessness, or unnecessary responses eventually have an effect on the direction a relationship is headed.
Have you ever noticed how one negative comment can stay with you for years to come? Our words and interactions have significant power. Therefore, if we want to have great marriages, what we say and how we interact with our spouses on a regular basis is important. The well-respected relationship researchers John & Julie Gottman have found that stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones. The “magic ratio” they suggest is 5:1. This means that for every one negative interaction or feeling between partners, there should be five positive interactions or feelings for a marriage to feel balanced.
Build in Small Habits
These positive interactions don’t have to be massive displays of love and affection. In fact, frequent but small displays can actually be more valuable. My husband is great with the small and regular displays. He has made a habit of calling me beautiful, even first thing in the morning, he kisses me before and after work each day, and always says I love you when ending a call or leaving the house. These relatively simple gestures add a positive and loving base for the other small acts of love we intertwine into our lives, and they help to balance out the negative ones.
Turning Towards Your Spouse
The Gottman’s Research has also found that couples with long-lasting marriages are often better at “turning towards instead of away”. Turning towards your spouse is when you make some kind of positive response to a “bid” made by them. A bid is defined as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids can show up in simple ways, a smile, a stroke of the hand, or a wink. They can also be more complex, like a request for advice or help, or sharing the details about something you have experienced. When we turn towards a bid we are making a response in some way, even if it is just a grunt!
Their research found that the couples doing well in their relationship responded about 86% of the time, while couples struggling were closer to 33%.
Our response to a bid doesn’t need to be huge or time-consuming, just an acknowledgment of the other person. Obviously, the greater the response the more likely it will be interpreted as positive, so you can kill two birds with one stone and get a positive interaction on the tally board at the same time!
Mike and I have found that, depending on your level of focus on a task, responding to bids positively can feel challenging at times. Especially if one of us wants to talk when the other is in the middle of something important. Mike finds this particularly difficult as he is a very task-focused person and, I am inclined to launch into big deep thoughts with no real warning. As a result, we both have to constantly work on our responses so that we leave each other feeling heard and respected. I have to remind myself not to feel offended if Mike is engrossed in something important, and he has to work on pausing to give a quick acknowledgment if he needs to stay on task.
If you feel like your ratio might be a bit lopsided, or that your bids need work, that’s ok! Little steps and small changes can start moving you closer to the type of marriage you desire. For more ideas see our post on physical touch – Let’s Get Physical.
