All Locked Up
All Locked Up
– Unlocking the Grid on Perpetual Problems
Does it sometimes feel like you are in the middle of a type of “Ground Hog Day”? Repeating the same argument over and over. The words, and specifics, may look different, but ultimately you are fighting about the same thing, again and again.
So Many Problems!
John & Julie Gottman, renowned leaders in relationship research, have found that 69% of a couples arguments are what they call “perpetual problems”. This means that the same type of issues will keep coming up. And to make matters worse, they believe that this type of problem is not truly solvable! They explain that this is because the root of perpetual problems is grounded in the fundamental differences in the personality, needs, belief systems, or moral worldviews of each individual. These types of issues can even get worse and become Gridlocked Perpetual Problems, where the experience of fighting about them causes such tension and ongoing pain. The environment they create is perfect for The Four Horsemen to truly show their ugly face!
A Fresh Perspective
This statistic can sound desperately depressing when you first hear it. However, it is encouraging to note that this percentage is the same for both the couples who are struggling and on the brink of divorce, and those that are thriving and loving married life.
So there must be a way to successfully navigate our perpetual problems and avoid getting to a place of gridlock.
For Mike and I conflict resolution is the area that we struggle with the most. I’m a fiery redhead with a strong, somewhat opinionated, nature and quick-fire responses. I can go from 0 to 100 in seconds. Mike is a stubborn Dutchman, who needs a looooonnnggg time to think through his thoughts during arguments. We have made some progress over the years, thankfully, and I no longer storm out of the house late at night and walk around the block or threaten to run away and sleep in the car. But the growth we have made has only come because of an ongoing commitment to working hard on trying to implement the tools we have learned to help us in these moments.
Recently we were at a “Weekend To Remember” conference when I had a bit of an ah-hah moment. Many times in my marriage research I have read the Gottman’s thoughts on disagreements and the stats about perpetual problems, but for some reason this time it hit home differently. And I had it all wrong! Our focus has always been on trying to resolve the issue. But I suddenly understood what the Gottman’s suggest:-
The goal of each tense moment is to use it as an opportunity to grow and improve HOW we handle ourselves during the interaction and to work on HOW we can show love to our spouse, even if we don’t agree with them. It is also an opportunity to LEARN more about who they are and how they see the world.
This means I need to change my inner dialogue. When we come face to face with one of these extra-hairy issues the goal is not to get Mike to move into my lane or me into his. Instead, what we say and how we say it is the key. We need to work on how we communicate, really hearing each other, empathising (we don’t need to agree), and then discovering what it looks like for us as a couple to move forward. If we can develop our skills and strategies for these moments, then we both win and our relationship will be stronger for it.
Making the shift away from the issue itself and putting our effort into the learning opportunities that can come from another disagreement may feel like a big jump! One that probably won’t happen by the next argument, trust me! But little steps and adjustments add up over time and one day you will look back and see the progress you’ve made.
